Poop and water should not mix

"How do you poop in the woods?"

This is one of the most common questions I get asked.  And the answer?  You just do it.  Some people have to have toilet paper with them, other people use leaves or rocks or whatever they find.  My favorite brand of tp is the striped maple leaf.  The leaves are big, soft, and common.  I feel better about leaving them behind, anyway.

What frustrates me most about this process is seeing other people's sodden paper draped over tree roots and sticking out of the dirt.  Leave No Trace ethics suggest going 200 feet from water sources and trails, digging a hole at least 6 inches deep, then packing out or burying your toilet paper.  It's a matter of keeping the trails looking nice, but more importantly it's keeping the water safe to drink.  As much as I loved the Smokies, there were times when I was extra careful about my water because of the piles of horse poop that I'd find near the shelters' water sources.

Yesterday I was frustrated with trash and paper I saw near a campsite, and started singing about Leave No Trace ethics.  After a few miles I ended up with a song, "Don't be an ass, just dig a hole."  It's pretty dumb, but it kept me entertained.  One of the lines was, "please don't go near the water, I must drink from there too.  Acquiring Giardia would stink worse than your poo."  

If you do it right, pooping in the woods can be a really great thing.  Pick a spot behind a nice tree, maybe find something to sit on if you'd like, and enjoy the view.  Cover it all up with dirt and leaves when you're done, mark it with a stick, and walk away.  It'll decompose and everyone's happy.  It's a great thigh strengthener and actually an ideal position for your body to get rid of that burger you enjoyed in town.

In the woods, everything balances out.  My hair is greasy but stays untangled, my skin sweats but doesn't smell among the trees and open air.  My food ends up going back to the ground where it came from.  In town, suddenly I'm aware of all of these things, and aware that  it's not socially acceptable to smell and look like I do.  So when I stayed at a hostel last night, I showered and changed into clean clothes, and made my way to the toilet.

It was strange.  I sat there and momentarily panicked when I felt water splash back up onto my skin.  I'M POOPING IN MY WATER SOURCE!  Of course, as soon as the thought entered my mind, I knew it wasn't true.  Yet, as the water droplets dribbled down my butt, I was horrified at the realization that every day we flush gallons and gallons of drinkable, beautiful water down with our poop.  I'll be thinking of that the next time I run out of water. 

I understand that waste disposal is a human health concern, and modern plumbing is a godsend.  Not everyone can hang out in the woods, and the ground couldn't handle it if they did.  But can't we find a more efficient way to get rid of our waste?

Maybe I'm just a nasty, smelly hiker.  But I have to go, and the library is about to close.  

I'm off to the woods.